Genuinely speaking...

Instead
by MaryAngela Nangini
Sunday, September 02, 2001

It is easier being hypocritical than being genuine.

..


Instead


Being cast the blind line
makes the eye
see the lie.

Instead

We turn
a blind eye
to the lie.

Just dont feel like it

Solter, Kelper, Navathe et al are all staring at me with desperate eyes. And here I sit, doing something not so productive at this point in time. Iam bored and worried. I've taken upon myself, rather thrusted upon myself something that I am not prepared to enjoy. Appa's words of wisdom keep ringing in my ears all the time - "Results dont matter - Do your best and leave the rest to God " . Yeah right ! I wonder what people do when they wish they would'nt get something, but all the same, work hard because they do not want to fail in their attempts ? I do not know about others. But I made masala vadais ! And hey what the heck ? It dint turn out too bad. So what if I dint do Professional C++, atleast I had the pleasure of seeing 8 happy faces and tummies ! How about Mor Kozhambu next ? Maybe mixed with a pinch of normalization and a dash of constant pointers....SIGH !

All of 24

My birthday was fantabulous to say the least. It was just the way I had pictured it to be. Cute balloons, the awesome IPOD, the "laughing korangu", the walking stick ( :) ), the watch and the card - simply out of the world. The dinner at Sawaadthi ( Did I spell it right?),.....Y.G.Mahendran show.... But most importantly, the unbelievable zest exhibited and the overflowing love and affection (which I was so bad at handling :D). Here's to Rammy, Neela, Niru, Arzoon, Harish, Abhi, Aanu and Dillee and every soul that made me feel special on my b' day.




That said and done.. The count down has begun...45 days to go...

Iam tired..

The interview phone calls are tiring me. Iam actually exhausted - all this self appraisal is sucking the energy out of me. Yeah - so what if I did do a bunch of models over at Cognizant ? So what if I put together a database design and documentation @ MDT ? So what if NPDBD is the coolest project I've ever been involved in ... So what....? It's weird how every time I go
" Iam currently involved in this project in which I ...", Iam actually thinking " Is this dude going to even remotely consider me for this position " to " Buddy - are you going to give me this job ? " ! Bad attitude huh ! I mean face it - thats what everything boils down to . Right ?

I wonder whats it with me these days - being so blatant and matter-of-fact about things. Maybe it's all happening- with the onset of the month of November and the reigning power of PLUTO - my basic scorpio instincts are showing up in everything I do ! Oh by the way - Scorpios are very proud of the fact that they are what they are.

Facts :

Negative Traits : Jealous, Compulsive, Obsessive, Secretive, Obstinate ( My my my ! Good enough to shoo people away from me )

But all the same :
Postive Traits: Determined and forceful, Emotional and intuitive, Powerful and passionate, Exciting and magnetic ( Ahaaaa ! )

I just love reading the characteristics over and over again ! Some narcissist huh !

Birthday Fever

I wonder if other's share similar thoughts - But in and around a week before that "special day of the year" ... I feel the "suckiest". Everything seems so terrible, unfair and miserable. Workload seems to be at its peak.( I used to have those god-forbidden semester exams back in college). Everyone seems to be busy - doing their own things - In fact it's weird how everyone is actually so busy doing their own things and your best buddies actually talk lesser than usual. ( Or is it that I tend to keep myself busy ? ) I think Iam paranoid. I've walked this planet for almost 2 dozen years now and I dont seem to understand this phenomenon. I sit now - all by myself - and think - Why have I felt this way every year ? Frankly I dont see any logic behind this creepy feeling except for the fact that, whatever said and done - Iam excited about THE day! Well, who cares if Iam getting older - I still like surprises, I still love it when people go " What does archu want for her bday ? , I feel emotionally satisfied when people make me feel special and wanted, I love it when I receive those overseas phone calls , the SMSs. Its absolutely thrilling when I see my inbox flooded with wishes from people I have'nt heard from in a long time. So why all this depression ? Pretension. Why ? Because Iam old and mature and Iam not supposed to be excited about little things such as this. Crap. I dont see why we should'nt do the " It's- my -Happy- Birthday- today - Where- are -my- presents ?" thingy.
Well that said and done, Diwali was dull. Classes, work work and more work, an interview and grocery shopping. Perfect! Nevertheless - Niru's vada chutney & paayasam made my day. Have'nt had such a satisfying meal in a long time. Cheers Niru ! Yaawn ! Time for some S.Ve Shekhar - Gnite folks!