Just another lemon tree...

This song is SO written for me!!!

I'm sitting here in a boring room
It's just another rainy Sunday afternoon
I'm wasting my time, I got nothing to do
I'm hanging around, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens -- and I wonder

I'm driving around in my car
I'm driving too fast, I'm driving too far
I'd like to change my point of view
I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for you
But nothing ever happens, and I wonder

I wonder how, I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue blue sky
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree
I'm turning my head up and down
I'm turning, turning, turning, turning, turning around
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree

I'm sitting here, I miss the power
I'd like to go out taking a shower
But there's a heavy cloud inside my head
I feel so tired, put myself into bed
Where nothing ever happens -- and I wonder
Isolation is not good for me
Isolation -- I don't want to sit on a lemon tree

I'm stepping around in a dessert of joy
Baby anyhow I'll get another toy
And everything will happen -- and you'll wonder

I wonder how I wonder why
Yesterday you told me 'bout the blue, blue sky
And all that I can see
And all that I can see
And all that I can see is just a yellow lemon tree

Fool's Garden

Back to the 80s...

Those were blissful days. Saturday and Sunday mornings meant waking up at 8, DD Metro and maggi!! After a lazy shower, I would get all dressed in my favorite brown chungidi paavadai, pick up my ganamrutha bodhini (and varnamalika later) and step on my tiny champ, struggling to race away from the buffalos and dogs on murugappa saalai. I also had imaginary friends who would bike along with me. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe I was just too scared traveling alone and I had these made up friends who I’d sing to and talk to- of course not aloud! The one hour classes at Suganthi mam’s house were the most enjoyable hours of the week, not to mention the extra perks of bonus bhajan sessions and yummy prasadam on Sundays!

I have finally managed to get back to learning classical music, after a hiatus of 12 long years. I don’t remember a thing. All I have done the last 12 years was study study and study more- just to do what gizillion other Indians have done for years. Anyway- it feels absolutely BRILLIANT to start with the Sa Pa Sas again. Fantabulous. Right now, doing the varaveenas and the ninnukoris. Soon to get in to the keerthanais. I love those 1.5 hours that I get to myself. It’s almost like I want to get away from everything and just lose myself in something that does not, for a change, stress me out. Maami is brilliant- she gets into the technical nit grits of the language of music. I dint even know there were so many variations! Its as complicated as differential calculus but as logical and scientific too.

Googled for some music quotes to put a smart ending to this blog entry. Liked this one -

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

Random Thoughts..

I decided to take a rather long lunch break today. I have been trying to keep up with a lot of events and people of late. I believe this is normal, considering the fact that I just moved in to another city. I find myself torn apart in between family, friends from school, from college, from work and then the usual “new-kid-on-the-block” pressure and the mundane household chores. I am desperately trying hard to get out of wanting to be in the middle of things. I think I have always been this way. I desperately try to give it all to somebody or something to begin with. Slowly the closeness starts to suffocate and then I move away in fear, confusion and exasperation. I also realize this is not done intentionally. I guess I somehow fail to draw the line between “being there for somebody” and “feeling responsible for somebody/something”. There is a huge difference between the two. What I should ideally be doing is category one. What I end up doing almost always is category two. And then I give up! It has, in the past, lead to very frustrating relationship strains and has left some bad marks. I guess all this is a part and parcel of anybody’s life. Nothing extraordinarily abnormal. I was browsing through some of my friends’ blogs and mine that were written last summer and thereafter. What a transition! Right now I am stuck in this virtual world where most of my communication with those "who mean to me" happens only through the techy version of Mr. Bell's invention. I so miss those innocent days- when there were no strings attached to any statement. When our motto was work hard and play even harder! Simply inexplicable. Anyways, I also have come to realize that I think more than I should be. Sayonara!

Smile Please!

I wonder how tough it is for people to smile. Is it so hard? I mean really. I know of a neighbour at work- lets just call him Mr. I-cannot-smile-for-nuts. Well you know, people in this country are very friendly. Its not uncommon to encounter the "How's it going?"s and the "Wassup?"s. I have definitely come to imbibe the practices here- just like every other mortal who has landed here after 20 odd years of their life. May be I expect too much, but I have been trying to see a smile on this person's face for close to three months now- and well- the statistics show a perfect Zilch! I wonder why Mr. I-cannot-smile-for-nuts finds it so hard to respond to friendly Hi's or Hello's or even a nod when we happen to bump in to each other in the hallways (which happens every now and then by the way). I mean - yeah- we all have our bad days- days when we have to pretend to be all happy and self content- when in reality - our hearts are crying out for comfort, sympathy, affection and what not. Anyways- so coming back to the point, the fact is- A smile uses only 17 muscles and a frown 43! Hmmm- Wonder why it's so hard for some people? People of the world - SMILE - for all that it is worth! You dont lose a thing! And guess what? It really really is infectious!! Its wonderful to have people who are pleasant and cheerful. Agreed- you cant be happy all the time! But again - life has its quirks- get over it! Doesn't hurt if you give yourself some credit! :)

Mr. I-cannot-smile-for-nuts...if at all you're in to blog hopping - Hope you're reading this :)

A Tale of Two Annas...

April 28th, '06
As I sit here, by myself, in this tiny corner of this insignificant universe, trying desperately to code away to glory and "get things done"- my mind wanders to random events that have taken place over the last couple of weeks- There have been absolutely cheerful days and then those annoyingly dreadful ones. Not so thankfully, of those questionable depression. Times of self evaluation cross examination and then those when I was blissfully ignorant of the world's happenings- bathing in the glorious acts of affection and attention.

I have been meaning to get this post out for several weeks now. For reasons known and
unknown, I could not bring myself to pen down my thoughts and convey a note of thanks to those two wonderful souls who made my weekend one of the best I have had in a long time.

I have always been pretty conservative when it comes to expressing extremes of emotions. The fact is I can NOT over-react to anything. There can’t be a shriek - no squeaky piles of laughter - ahan... That would be so un-archana like. Well this time - it was no different. Just that I froze- and couldn’t believe my eyes.

April 13th - '06
I was asked to rush home - my room mate wanted a bunch of files mailed to her ASAP. After a rather dramatic 30 minutes of rushing and walking and reaching home - I found that my home seemed "invaded" with strange things lying around......

September 7th, '06
I have had a zillion "Blog Moments" over the last 5 months or so- Moments when I felt that I had the perfect idea for my next blog entry. But the moments suffered an immediate abortion even as they were being conceived. The trips to NY,NJ,California, appa and amma's stay in Minneapolis, California and chandler, my first car, my first few weeks at work, my new home , new friends, every little incident and new entrant deserve a lot more attention and appreciation than I have been exhibiting lately. Not to mention my old ties and memories that deserves even more significance. Today I decided that I would release my "Tale of the two annas" blog. There are two reasons to this. The insignificant one - I have some time to spare and the mood to blog. But more importantly, I like to believe that I am a woman of words –so there you go. To whomsoever it may concern - :)...

Back to April 13th...
My home seemed "invaded" with strange things lying around.....I was desperately trying to call my room mate when I suddenly heard voices in the corridor. In came my room mate, followed by another friend. I almost threw a fit. I couldn’t understand why she was acting so lackadaisical after all those desperate phone calls. I almost forgot to notice a third figure enter the room - and Oh My Dear God! My dearest anna shank stands right there with this totally naughty look on his face. I was bewildered - to say the least! I stared the first couple of seconds, closed my mouth in the next few, continued to stare in the next and finally exclaimed - pretty strongly! I squeaked in surprise! Aanu captured some brilliant, not to mention funny medley of emotions - surprise, confusion, happiness and excitement!
This surprise had been planned for months and everybody but me knew about it! I felt very proud of being a total sucker - I LOVE (D) SURPRISES! After pinching myself a couple of times (and getting pinched) and a nice quick shower, we headed to St. Anthony’s' (Oh! How I miss Stone Arch! ) The weather was beautiful. A nice clear day and the moon showed clearly. We caught up on all the gossip (not like we hadn’t talked in eons or anything! - But I was meeting him after a year and a half).

April 14th. ‘06
Had a quick project meeting to attend that morning. This was followed by another surprise that afternoon. I had a missed package and was extremely curious to know who on earth had sent me a gift. A trip to the USPS revealed the cutest baby poster ever - gifted by Harisu!! Mr. Jolla [NO - NOT pronounced HOLLA as in LA JOLLA, CA] known for his extremely cute mouth watering capabilities, now hangs proudly above my bed post. His presence makes me feel so pure and blissful! Sigh!

Anyways back to April 14th-So after the USPS trip, we headed out to Lake Calhoun. We had a wonderful hour or two of frisbeeing and enjoying the blue waters and the beauty of Minneapolis. It also happened to be Tamizh New Years. So we decided to do something very tamizh...We ended up in sarees, (thank goodness Aarthi was around- I must admit it would have been a total disaster otherwise) veshtees and kurtas and enjoyed a sumptuous meal @ Surabhi!

April 15th, '06
Deep in sleep, peaceful and content with the earlier day’s events, I was slowly shaken from my happy dreams. I strained to open my eyes - and Lo and Behold!! My other anna, Ram stands in front of me - casually asking me to wake up and greet him! I had NO CLUE what was happening. I actually thought it was a dream! How could this be happening?! To be frank- I dint even know how to react! Way too many surprises in a short span of time! Everybody was excited and yapping! After our morning ablutions, we all got ready to go to the Mall -After what seemed like eternity ( 6 hours to be accurate )- I finally decided on a couple of very pretty dresses (Special mention: from Ann Taylor and New Yorkers) that my annas wanted me to choose. Later that evening we revisited Calhoun on Ram's demand and ended the day with a hearty meal at Bombay Bistro.

April 16th, '06
Shank had to take the flight in the afternoon and Ram later that night. I decided to feed them to some (good) South Indian food. After a couple of rounds of Avial, Saadam and Appalam, we completed it with a good serving of semiya paayasam! It was time to say bye to shank. As much as we hated parting (especially after a brilliant reunion such as this), we had to bid goodbyes. After shank left, we took Ram on a tour of the school. I absolutely loved this part whenever any of my friends visited me. I loved boasting about Northrop, our Engineering Buildings, Coffman, Carlson, and the Washington Bridge with the Mississippi cutting across school. LOVED IT! After a long walk back home and very “deep” conversations on life and people, it was time to do the second round of byes.

I must confess - it was one of the best weekends EVER! I was absolutely elated to know how much people still cared, how affectionate people were/are. It was a blessing in disguise -especially during a phase when I used to be so insecure and cynical about any relationship.
Life feels so different now. More settling, more secure, more certain, happier. But what matters are those who stick by you when you're crabby and down in the drains! Those who call you no matter what to make sure you're doing OK. Those who know you suck at returning calls, but still don’t give up on you. Those who know YOU DO ACTUALLY CARE FOR THEM and DOES'NT LET Life's little hiccups get in the way- To all those lovely brothers - and friends, bless you all (And thanks for putting up with me :))

The Ten Commandments for Peace of Mind

One of those lists I found while crawling the web. I thought it was interesting. People may beg to differ. Call it God, luck, fortune, destiny or fate- these principles hold, irrespective of the presence of all of these supreme forces or for that matter - the lack of them.

1. Do not interfere in others' business unless asked. Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others' affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction. This thinking denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of God. God has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way. All men or women act the way they do because God within them prompts them that way. There is God to look after everything. Why are you bothered? Mind your own business and you will keep your peace.

2. Forgive and forget. This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often develop ill feelings inside our heart for the person who insults us or harms us. We nurture grievances. This in turn results in loss of sleep, development of stomach ulcers, and high blood pressure. This insult or injury was done once, but nourishing of grievance goes on forever by constantly remembering it. Get over this bad habit. Believe in the Justice of God and the Doctrine of Karma. Let Him judge the act of the one who insulted you. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forgive, Forget, and march on. Love flourishes in giving and forgiving.

3. Do not crave for recognition. This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motives. They may praise you today because you are in power, but no sooner than you are powerless; they will forget your achievement and will start finding faults in you. Why do you wish to kill yourself in striving for their recognition? Their recognition is not worth the aggravation. Do your duties ethically, sincerely and leave the rest to God.

4. Do not be jealous. We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know that you work harder than your colleagues in the office, but sometimes they get promotions; you do not. You started a business several years ago, but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. There are several examples like these in everyday life. Should you be jealous? No. Remember everybody's life is shaped by his or her previous Karma, which has now become his Destiny. If you are destined to be rich, nothing in the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere; it will only take away your peace of mind.

5. Change yourself according to the environment. If you try to change the environment single-handedly, the chances are you will fail. Instead, change yourself to suit your environment. As you do this, even the environment, which has been unfriendly to you, will mysteriously change and seem congenial and harmonious.

6. Endure what cannot be cured. This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations, and accidents that are beyond our control. If we cannot control them or change them, we must learn to put up with these things. We must learn to endure them cheerfully thinking, "God Wills it so, so be it." God's plan is beyond our comprehension. Believe in it and you will gain in terms of patience, inner strength, and will power.

7. Do not bite off more than you can chew. This maxim needs to be remembered constantly. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable of carrying out. This is done to satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. Why take on additional loads that may create more worries? You cannot gain peace of mind by expanding your external activities. Reduce your material engagements and spend time in prayer, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind that make you restless. Uncluttered mind will produce greater peace of mind.

8. Meditate regularly. Meditation calms the mind and gets rid of disturbing thoughts. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it yourself. If you meditate earnestly for half an hour everyday, your mind will tend to become peaceful during the remaining twenty-three and a half-hours. Your mind will not be easily disturbed as it was before. You would benefit by gradually increasing the period of daily mediation. You may think that this will interfere with your daily work. On the contrary, this will increase your efficiency and you will be able to produce better results in less time.

9. Never leave the mind vacant. An empty mind is the devil's workshop. All evil actions start in the vacant mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. Do something that holds your interest. You must decide what you value more: money or peace of mind.

Your hobby, like social work or temple work, may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even when you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of God's name (Japa) like “Om Nama: Shivaya or Om Namo Narayanaya”.

10. Do not procrastinate and never regret. Do not waste time in protracted wondering " Should I or shouldn't I?" Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Always remember, God has His own plan, too for you. Value your time and do the things that need to be done. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can learn from your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes, but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET. Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the Will of God. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's Will. Why cry over spilt milk?

Courtesy : Gyan Rajhans, P.Eng., Bhajanawali Radio Program

I Did it- finally !!!

19 months now - every afternoon ( and perhaps evenings ?! ) - I've heard the ol' lady next door play some form of music every afternoon without fail. I wonder what they build these crappy apartment buildings with - They are most certainly not sound proof- I can hear from snores to yawns to - Well whatever - ALL THE TIME ! And I can only imagine what a ruckus it'd be for them. But well - let's get to me.

So I had this really bad end of day. It was depressing to say the least - I was angry and upset and helpless about a whole bunch of things that were transpiring. I swore to pray to the AlMighty to shower upon some pity on those wounded souls who have had enough of it all. So there was hardly any sleep, lots of thinking and sore eyes. I had a meeting at 8 @ Golden Valley. We were supposed to test our baby ( read "machine that we'd built" ) ! And I was out there - feeling completely tired, bad headache, dizzy and completely nasty. But well - you gotta do what you gotta do. It was a beautiful day. Weather predictions 56 F. I was feeling better. But it dint last long. I was mentally energetic. Physically drained. Had a quick chit chat with my roommate and then quickly wrapped up myself cozily after a weary "gnite" ! "Aaaaah - Everythings going to be fine after this nap sweety " -- zzzzzz....

And then it all started again ...

I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up
cause I'm Slim Shady, yes, I'm the real Shady
all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
so wont the real Slim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up....

OH - MY-GODDDD (Janus stule - courtesy F.R.I.E.N.D.S) ! Not again ! I want to SLEEP lady !! Please NOT today ! Dont just please do this to me today ! But it never stopped. I'd lost it. Lost my sleep. I was furious !

Well..what happened today was'nt the first time - But I would comfortably go into my shell and patiently wait for the darn thing to quieten and the yawns and snores to complete the musical drama - But I wonder what grew over me today - I decided to give her a piece of my mind. Looking absolutely stunning in a "Lets get nerdy " T , red pants (!!), violet sandals (!!! OH mY god!) and disheaveled hair I went and knocked on #6. I felt like a soldier embarked upon the worlds most important war ( or whatever !) I am going to do this today- That's it I have had enough ! MY SLEEP IS IMPORTANT TO ME ! No response. "What on earth does this mean ? Open the door lady!" Knock Knock Knock - still no response -

From the other side - " Hey soooshiii honey - mummy's gonna give you a nice little bath" -
Me- "What the..."
Knock KNock Knock
"I am slim shady- yes - I am "
BANG BANG BANG !!!
"Cmon here sweet peas"
"SWEET PEAS !!! HERE'S WHAT SWEET PEAS WILL LOOK LIKE SANS SLEEP -- WAHHHH PLEASE OPEN THE DOOOOOOOOOOR - IAM BRAVE AND I'VE COME TO PLEAD"
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
"whose thisssssssssss"?
"Your neighbour"
"Neighbour who???"
At this point I could have said something really cheeky in Tamizh - but well - not only would'nt she have understood it - I would'nt have either.. so
"Neighbour from #8"
DOOR FINALLY OPEN ! AND THIS LITLE CAT WITH THESE REALLY SCARY EYES POPS OUT..
"Could you please keep it down - I am trying to study ?!??!!"
"Oh sweety- really sorry - will do that - BANG"
Me standing there like an idiot. What ? Thats it ?
It was supposed to be " COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE DAMN MUSIC - IAM TRYING TO SLEEP HEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ???"
Anyways- gathering up the little shame that was left of me - i dragged myself back home..and now - I cant sleep - It's gone - I am bugged - but proud all the same - It's taken me 19 months to stick up for myself ! Ah well - whatever !

Revelations

* Too serious about those little things in life
* Self-contradicting
* Stubborn/Adamant
* Oh sooo moody !
* Fearfully short-tempered !
* Argumentative !
* Childish and mature for all the wrong things !!


Lessons learnt :

* Never give advice unless asked for
* People dont mean half the things they say-atleast not seriously - take it easy
* It is ok to laugh at yourself
* It is OK to make mistakes

And a red chocolate rose changes it all..

10.39 pm

Thanks Abhi..you're such a sweetheart!

Those were a few of my favorite things...

Hours of singing with periamma in the kitchen after an awefully non-productive day at college - made me feel blessed

A breezy late evening on the lovely indoor swing with krishna on my lap and manu beside me - an hour of singing - a lot of patting - a lot of hugs and affectionate gentle kisses - singing lullabies to the both kids

Long drives on ECR with the closest of my friends - not thinking about anything - feeling secure and wanted ( Miss you raz! )

Being able to sing loudly- and repeating songs forever - not caring about what the world things

Talking to shiva and BK about every silly thing on earth at work ( i dint want to repeat the music bit - and ofcourse shiva's here - and that's making life so much better)

Waking up in the morning only to start humming the tune that I had left the previous night till I drive everyone at home crazy

Listening to S.Ve.Shekhar ( I So HAVE to get back to them)

Dev's evening work outs ( They were such good stress busters)

Wearing a salwar kameez and lots of jasmine flowers and a tiny bindi and being all tambram !

Seeing kids, old people, uncle aunts and people of all ages - and not just crazy 20 year olds !

Barking dogs...

Crying babies...

Sun..

Warmth..

Elders and their words of wisdom...

Rangoli that patti would teach me when I was much younger..

Waking up on deepavali and having a nice oil massage from periamma ( Was even better when it fell on my birthday..)

Hours of non-stop (non)sense with Rt, Rads et al

Sigh well..
9.35 pm - bus in 10 minutes. Got to pack - Eat - Sleep - wake up - books - sulk - school - anger - confusion - give up - NO - ego - stubborn - sorry - sad - moody - philosophical -WHATEVER!!!

Awards of the month

I am bored of solving puzzles. I have'nt done anything more than that for the interviews. I am totally nonchalant towards this entire event that is about to happen next week. I dont know why. I actually donot care. It does'nt matter. I dont want to waste time in the analysis of the self. I am in one of those I-give-a-damn - have-fun-in-life moods. So I decided to give awards to people. Awards for things that they have done and for those who have done well by not having done.

So there you go - Ladies and Gentleman...

The awards for

The most intriguing shayari (in english) of the millenium - Ramya Rangarajan on her room mate( and that lucky person would be me :D ) from the movie Orkut Scraps

The most creative lyricist - Arjun Sundarajan - for all his songs ( read rhymes) from the movie Orkut Scraps ( again ! )

The sweetest villain award - Anand Janakiraman - for his handsome looks wearing his new french beard and long hair ( paandya thoththan ! ) -

Most energetic Death (valley) rider - Harish Barathvajasankar - self - explanatory
(Consolation award for trying-hard-to-be-a-good-RA) ( :D )

Smartest-dude-in-town-award - whose else but Abhishek Raman - for his "Hey guys" plus the smart saluting that goes with it

From comedian-of-the-century last year to Iam-trying-hard-to-be-serious-in-life award - Niroopshankar Ammbashankar-

Research-is-all-i-do-in-life-award - Who else but Mr. Neelakantan Saikrishnan !! (get a life dudeee !!!)

And last but not the least..

To the vettiest person in town ( earth/universe ?) - no prizes for guessing !!

Ammaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

My Latest Love..

Song: Kaatril Varum Geethame
Movie: Oru Naal Oru Kanavu
Music: Ilayaraja
Raagam: Kalyani ( Courtesy: Neela )
Singers : Hariharan, Shreya Ghosal, Pavatharani, Illayaraja, Sadhana Sargam

Brilliant composition, Lovely Lyrics, Soothing..

Love these lines..


Varunthum uyirku oru marunthagum
isai arunthum mugam malarum arumbagaum
Isayin payane iraivan thane ...


Athara sruthi antha annai andre
Athuketra layam enthan thanthai anbe ...

(Courtesy: http://www.mohankumars.com/lyrics/index.php?m=s&lid=1413)


Wish I could get back to taking paattu classes again ! Miss the passionate discussions on music in general and the nuances of each song in particular, with Shiva and B.K !

Reminds me of how appa would put the song on loop and we'd keep listening to it over and over again and still would'nt get enough of it...

Sigh...

WHaT?!

Multiplexed protein Quantitation in Saccharomyces cerevisiae Using Amine-reactive isobaric Tagging Reagents.

That is life for me - the next four months.