Trust, to me, is the basis of all relationships - especially marital. It is tough to build and easily broken. When you trust somoene, you dont feel the need to be guarded, to wrap yourself up in protective layers. You feel comfortable enough to be yourself- almost always. You do not find the necessity to keep things from your partner. In fact a lot of relationship gurus and elders constantly remind us about how important it is to have a relationship that involves open communication. That said, it takes time to build this trust for most people. Most of us gradually shed our layers one by one over the years when we feel secure enough with this other person. I would think it happens when your partner's words match with his or her actions and they're consistent with what they say and do.
I had a rather interesting conversation with a recently wedded friend of mine. This friend had a conventional "arranged" Indian wedding. So when we were chatting, the discussion hovered around sharing personal security information like passwords to email accounts etc and I was rather surprised when she said that she and her husband do not know each others' passwords and dont intend sharing it either. I dont know why I found it so hard to digest what she said.
For the records, N knows all of my passwords and on a lazy day - I've even asked him to log in to check my inbox for me. I am supposed to know his too- I just dont remember them because they're too complicated to memorize. That said, I have to admit that there are things that I will never disclose to anybody ever. Not because I dont trust - but because it is my own little personal space - which involves only me, my thoughts and my feelings. Plus it is better off
remaining that way.
Anyway, the point being, I always assumed husbands and wives, girlfriends and boyfriends shared stuff like this and it wasn't a big deal! I mean what could be so important and personal that your significant other shouldn't know? This was the first time that I heard something different and I was fairly amused! So now I am curious - how many of you would/do share such information with your partner? My friend also seems to think it is probably because of the whole arranged/non-arranged wedding thingy.But I beg to differ. I think even in arranged weddings you'll eventually share such information. What do you all think?
31 comments:
hmmm....I think you (and even me for that matter) have known N for long enough before your marriage to get close enough to him to have absolutely nothing to hide. In an arranged marriage scenario, I think it is about the time...I wudn't expect the 2 to get comfortable instantly(unless they have had a long engagement). If your friend has been married for not very long, I don't think it is very weird!
i think it has a lot to do with how each person defines "space". for some, it might look as though the other person does not trust them and hence wants to keep a check on them. i have seen girlfriends nag their guys and keep monitoring their inbox and found it ridiculous.:)
good post!
From our past few experiences, sometimes its better if the other does not know ur passwords !!
We have had instances of few "failed surprise" parties :D
That being said I agree with krithika and g that initially it may take time to get comfortable to the other person. Another way of looking at it : comfort level is also being able to freely express the desire to not share the pss etc...
My 2 cents.
Well... to me I guess it is a big deal. S n I don't share passwords and I don't think we plan to either. Of course if the need arises, it isnt huge enuf not to share. It's not because it's vastly personal or any such thing... it's just that there's a lot going on as it is with our own each 4-5 individual accounts and information of his email acct is one less I could use and vice versa. I hope we don't strike you as weird in through this disclosure... We do have a "shared" email ID, an ID that only we use to communicate with one another - but that's a thing most couples have, I think. And well, to clash with all your theories above, we had a "love-cum-arranged" marriage. :D
i would never in a million years share passwords with anyone...but then again thats just me ! :) whether i had a love or arranged marriage doesnt really matter.. and i know so many couples who dont either ( and yes they did have love marriages)..i dont think its about trust ..i think its more about my friends(and family) who trust that only i will be reading their email :) (and whether i choose to share this information or not is another story altogether)..
Wohow!! I never realized that people felt this way about it. Very interesting. I always thought it wasn't a big deal. Ya - I totally agree with most of you - that I'd ideally want conversations between any of my friends or family to stay between us. But I wouldn't mind if N logged in once in a blue moon if he had to. I am certainly not talking about monitoring each others' inboxes on a daily basis(and as J said, we dont have the time to catch up on all of our accs in the first place)- but personally- I guess I dont really care about sharing it with him...But again..that's just me and I was so wrong to think thats how most couples work...Very interesting! :)
Greengrl- I really like the way you put it..."comfort level is also being able to freely express the desire to not share the pss etc..."
I guess the perspectives are very personal and has nothing to do with the type of marriage you've had then!
Being the other half of loosupattani, I don't see a huge deal in us sharing our passwords. It has never been about keeping tab of what she is up to or whom she is talking to, its more just a thing of convenience. As she says, we do not read each other's emails on a daily basis, its more a case of "can you check what happened to that amazon.com order from my account?" kind of things. I guess its just a reflection of each individual's comfort level with simply knowing the fact that there isn't anything you can hide through email, since someone else can always read in. Solution - Use your telephone for all your "cape-maari" thanam!!
chooo,
hmmmmm.....im thinking hard on who that friend might be... :) :)!!
ROFL @ Drumerboy! Nee thirundave matte da!!!
well...kidding apart i agree with loosupattani. without trust.....email password being a small thing...it might only be a matter of time when you start asking urself whether ur significant other needs to know everything you do... what say people?
R and I don't disclose passwords to each other and don't intend to either.
To me, not sharing passwords is less about marital trust and more about online security. A password known to only one person is much safer than one known to two.
She uses my computer all the time and I am mostly signed in to all my mail accounts. So she can access mail if she wants to, but the password is still a secret.
Personally I think everybody has a security zone..which they don't want to share even with their partners..and it has nothing to do with trust more to do with their personal space..For some the security zone manifests in form of actual secure things like passwords..For others it may be random things like phone conversations (like me)..
ooh..nice post btw
hmmm.. So the consensus seems to be :
* It has nothing to do with trust
* Personal space matters
* It has nothing to do with the type of marriage or # of yrs in to marriage
Thx Vidhya! Keep visiting!
hmmmmm no big deal about each other knowing the password... as long as they are comfortable in sharing it...
IF the e-mail is within a persons individual space he wouldnt want to share it... like me i have shared my pwds with even my good friends asking them to check my mails when i dont have access to internet its just you trust them not to misuse the id or be ignorant enough to be exposed or stolen by someone else....
and in the end :-) if its the pwd that someone badly wants to know it can always be cracked...
Neelu..fundamental mistake. One doesn't go publishing fundaes on doing cape-maarithanam on his wife's blog! *cough* now about that phone of yours..weren't you cribbing about how minutes were never enough? :p
I also agree that it is less about trust and more about personal space..
R and i have created 1-2 shared email addresses for those 'check if i got this email' purposes - especially since i dont have access to personal email at work. i also typically auto-forward some mails to this shared id from my personal one, as needed. we have been married for a year, and we've known each other for close to 10 yrs now..we would absolutely share passwords if/when we need to, but it's never been a "HAVE TO KNOW" thing.
btw, I follow your blogs and think you have a great writing style :)
Archana ... im a big fan of your blog... how do u get time to write all these ? congrats... about password.. umm agree its a good thing to share within couples.. but for a arranged marriage.. people will have past memories.. which they want to forget.. so sharing mail password will affect .. and all you people who are about to marry (arranged), Make sure PAST is PAST and dont dig the past of each other.....what u say?
@ S - cracking pwds - not my area of forte- :) although I personally know a lot of guy friends who'd known mine @ some point in time- just for the kicks of it..hopefully...
LOL @ BVOG! Ivana ? kepmaariya? Slisha fight..I have a seventh sense when it comes to him.. at least thats what I think :D
Padma..thanks for your comments! Keep visiting!
Nagaraj! I am glad you like the posts...Keep visiting! Yup I agree that it is better not to dig up the past..But I also personally believe that it is better to share it with the better half if its THAT important rather than have him find out for himself...That way- you know he knows it all and then you can just be @ ease...
Usually the password changes when either the *psst* or the *surprise party/gift* comes into picture...Now, thats an easy way to find if something is coming your way...;)
:) I'll remember tht next time Anand..
I guess its pretty clear that its not about trust but about personal space. It depends on where you draw the line for personal space.
If a situation arises where the pwd "needs" to be shared, I would give the pwd to my least used/dummy account with a pwd that is not used anywhere. This is immaterial of the mail box containing any personal mails.
Stumbled upon your blog through orkut...I'm married and I have never felt the need to share passwords with my husband. In fact, it has never really occured to us to actually share passwords, esp. e-mail related. Passwords for utility bills etc is a different story. Like you mentioned in your blog, it's my own private little space and it's better off that way. Sharing passwords doesnt necessarily indicate a higher level of trust according to me. Just my personal opinion :). Nice post btw!
Next blog please?? :D
Interesting thought.. I do not intentionally share passwords and I agree with greengrl. It all depends on how much personal space you and your partner want nad how much you are ok with it. I know some couple who do not even know each other's blogs too :)
But then I do not think it is a big deal either.
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