Words hurt...

Words Hurt
by tenebrious on Jun 14


Wasted words and tortured souls
Filling ears with pains untold
Bury it deep inside yourself
Keep it from view of someone else

Nothing can take away the pain you feel
Although no one else believes it's real
Your nothing to anyone you're overlooked
Your life is nothing but what's forsook

Put on a smile and put on a big show
So that your dying inside no one will know
Someday all this will be in the past
All ends in silence from a shotgun blast

If your dead they can't hurt you anymore
No one will miss you that's for sure
No one knows what's in your head
It's sad it will be to late when your dead

And life goes on...

Its been a tough semester. There's been more on my plate than I could possibly ever swallow. It has been absolutely stressful - mentally and physically..and I have been trying to keep my head above the water - desperately. I know grad life can dreadfully painful. To think of it, it's been worse than what it was last Fall- the only difference being I believe I am twice as much stronger(mentally) than I was when I first landed here to face this big bad mean mean world all by myself. Yet, sometimes I wonder if it is worth all this pain.

It kills me ...

When I dont get a good five hours of sleep..

When I come home famished and dont even find milk to make myself a cup of coffee...

When I cant involve myself in frivolous conversations...

When I think getting done with my NPDBD deliverable is better than listening to a relaxing song..

When people around me shun me just because I am doing what I am supposed to be doing ...

When I have to deal with folks whose mood swings are worse than mine !


All said and done, I've had worse phases .. and like any other phase- I am sure this will pass. A friend of mine once said " It's how you look at the world and its people - nothing around you has changed - it's just a matter of time before you get back to your old self..just hang in there". I am trying to you know..but its just taking an abnormally long period of time. I am glad I have someone at any point of time in life to knock some sense into my head. Touch wood ! (Read: Touch my head)

Here's to those few souls who stand by me, inspite of my eccentricities...

Genuinely speaking...

Instead
by MaryAngela Nangini
Sunday, September 02, 2001

It is easier being hypocritical than being genuine.

..


Instead


Being cast the blind line
makes the eye
see the lie.

Instead

We turn
a blind eye
to the lie.

Just dont feel like it

Solter, Kelper, Navathe et al are all staring at me with desperate eyes. And here I sit, doing something not so productive at this point in time. Iam bored and worried. I've taken upon myself, rather thrusted upon myself something that I am not prepared to enjoy. Appa's words of wisdom keep ringing in my ears all the time - "Results dont matter - Do your best and leave the rest to God " . Yeah right ! I wonder what people do when they wish they would'nt get something, but all the same, work hard because they do not want to fail in their attempts ? I do not know about others. But I made masala vadais ! And hey what the heck ? It dint turn out too bad. So what if I dint do Professional C++, atleast I had the pleasure of seeing 8 happy faces and tummies ! How about Mor Kozhambu next ? Maybe mixed with a pinch of normalization and a dash of constant pointers....SIGH !

All of 24

My birthday was fantabulous to say the least. It was just the way I had pictured it to be. Cute balloons, the awesome IPOD, the "laughing korangu", the walking stick ( :) ), the watch and the card - simply out of the world. The dinner at Sawaadthi ( Did I spell it right?),.....Y.G.Mahendran show.... But most importantly, the unbelievable zest exhibited and the overflowing love and affection (which I was so bad at handling :D). Here's to Rammy, Neela, Niru, Arzoon, Harish, Abhi, Aanu and Dillee and every soul that made me feel special on my b' day.




That said and done.. The count down has begun...45 days to go...

Iam tired..

The interview phone calls are tiring me. Iam actually exhausted - all this self appraisal is sucking the energy out of me. Yeah - so what if I did do a bunch of models over at Cognizant ? So what if I put together a database design and documentation @ MDT ? So what if NPDBD is the coolest project I've ever been involved in ... So what....? It's weird how every time I go
" Iam currently involved in this project in which I ...", Iam actually thinking " Is this dude going to even remotely consider me for this position " to " Buddy - are you going to give me this job ? " ! Bad attitude huh ! I mean face it - thats what everything boils down to . Right ?

I wonder whats it with me these days - being so blatant and matter-of-fact about things. Maybe it's all happening- with the onset of the month of November and the reigning power of PLUTO - my basic scorpio instincts are showing up in everything I do ! Oh by the way - Scorpios are very proud of the fact that they are what they are.

Facts :

Negative Traits : Jealous, Compulsive, Obsessive, Secretive, Obstinate ( My my my ! Good enough to shoo people away from me )

But all the same :
Postive Traits: Determined and forceful, Emotional and intuitive, Powerful and passionate, Exciting and magnetic ( Ahaaaa ! )

I just love reading the characteristics over and over again ! Some narcissist huh !

Birthday Fever

I wonder if other's share similar thoughts - But in and around a week before that "special day of the year" ... I feel the "suckiest". Everything seems so terrible, unfair and miserable. Workload seems to be at its peak.( I used to have those god-forbidden semester exams back in college). Everyone seems to be busy - doing their own things - In fact it's weird how everyone is actually so busy doing their own things and your best buddies actually talk lesser than usual. ( Or is it that I tend to keep myself busy ? ) I think Iam paranoid. I've walked this planet for almost 2 dozen years now and I dont seem to understand this phenomenon. I sit now - all by myself - and think - Why have I felt this way every year ? Frankly I dont see any logic behind this creepy feeling except for the fact that, whatever said and done - Iam excited about THE day! Well, who cares if Iam getting older - I still like surprises, I still love it when people go " What does archu want for her bday ? , I feel emotionally satisfied when people make me feel special and wanted, I love it when I receive those overseas phone calls , the SMSs. Its absolutely thrilling when I see my inbox flooded with wishes from people I have'nt heard from in a long time. So why all this depression ? Pretension. Why ? Because Iam old and mature and Iam not supposed to be excited about little things such as this. Crap. I dont see why we should'nt do the " It's- my -Happy- Birthday- today - Where- are -my- presents ?" thingy.
Well that said and done, Diwali was dull. Classes, work work and more work, an interview and grocery shopping. Perfect! Nevertheless - Niru's vada chutney & paayasam made my day. Have'nt had such a satisfying meal in a long time. Cheers Niru ! Yaawn ! Time for some S.Ve Shekhar - Gnite folks!

The 55 word thingy...

At the risk of sounding dumb.. :D


A spoon of affection, a dose of smile, a pinch of care you add,
A little bit of sacrifice, my dear friend, wont hurt you bad.
A dash of concern, a lot of give, sure you can a little take,
Dollops of love, an icing of fun, and here's your recipe for the Friendship cake !!!

The idea is to come up with any 55 word write-up and tag a bunch of people to do the same. I was tagged by Arjun. I now officially pass it on to Neela, Ram, Girish and Anand ( you can "re-open" you blog aanu! )

Cheers!

Draft list increasing..

This is the fourth time that Iam composing a blog and have'nt posted it. The number of drafts are increasing ... Wonder when I can put up a simple straight forward post that contains no negative emotions in it...

Onset of Fall...

Back to the grind..
Assignments, research papers, job hunt, house-work- so much to do, so little time.
Only thing that keeps me going- The thought of going home in december.
The only word I keep uttering so often these days - Kadavule...

Vairamuthu Rocks !

I've been listening to some brilliant tamizh numbers this afternoon. Mostly duets - of the romantic kind. As always, I paid close attention to the lyrics of some of them and I must confess, at the risk of sounding cliched, that Kavinyar Vairamuthu is simply fantabulous. He most certainly has his way with words. I can't imagine how someone can possibly play with words so skillfully. I mean - yeah - that's why he is what he is - A.R.R's fav. pick. It's simply breathtaking how he can tread into the realms of passionate love between a man and woman and describe it so eloquently that you actually start respecting the entire act ! Here're some of my favourite's.[ Most certainly not an exhaustive list and not necessarily in that order]

Thoda thoda malardhadhenna - S.p.b and chitra - Indira

Pudhu vellai mazhai- Unni menon, sujatha - Roja [ Love the video - So simple, yet hopelessly romantic]

Ondra rendai aasaigal - Bombay jayeshree - Kaakke kaakke [ I know most people dont savour this one that much..nevertheless]

Vaseegara - Bombay jayashree - Minnale [ ditto - I know of people who go "Man - Iam tired of listening to this song]

Kannaamoochi yenada - chitra- Kandukondein kandukondein [Although Iam not a Aishwarya Rai fan - I must admit she look's gorgeous in this video]

Then Merku - UnniKrishnan, Chitra - Karuthamma

Kannukku mai azhagu - Unnimenon/susheela - Pudhiya mugam

Theenda Theenda - UnniKrishnan, Bombay Jayashree - Thulluvado ilamai

Vayadhu Vaa Vaa - Srinivas, Harini - Thulluvado ilamai

Sandai kozhi - Sadhna sargam - Ayudhey ezhuthu

Sigh...

So many things, so little time...

I have been meaning to blog for quite sometime. The past couple of weeks have been physically and mentally draining - The weekdays packed with (finally) some serious 8 hour stretches of work and doing the mundane household chores in the evenings. The weekends always involving some fun activity to do. As cliched as it might sound- I've been a bit busy...

Some highlights...

August 6th:
Had a great weekend @ the valley fair. Spent a fun-filled, thrilling 12 hours. Enjoyed every bit of it. The Steel Venom and the Ride-whose-name-I-forgot ( it was amazing getting completely drenched over and over again) were simply AWESOME.

August 7th:Had an awesome dinner (and an amazing 4 hour session of non-stop nonsense) at the International House of Pancakes yesterday. Kudos to abhi,anand,harish and neels for making that happen.

August 13th:Pain-a-thon: Felt great doing some charity work. Was the first time I ever painted a house ! Dint come out too bad. Felt very fulfilling. It is'nt a lot of times that you get to do something thats both fun and useful to others!

Mangal-Pandey: er..Was a big disappointment. I probably expected a lot from Aamir and his battalion. I wish they'd focussed more on the historical events ( few might argue it was a ballad and not a documentary ! ) rather than on the voluptuous bodies of the women in the movie.

August 14th:Never felt more at peace -sleeping all afternoon. Have'nt done that in years now !

August 19th:Stayed over at a relative's place @ plymouth. Was one of the best things I've done in months. Felt like I was at home again - pampered with dollops of "aathu samaiyal". More importantly - I got to spend an entire day with this tiny tot. People call him akshay. I call him chintu ( or maybe mintu- or perhaps babloo--never mind). Anyways- this kid was such a darling. (All kids are!). But I've grown pretty fond of this child - maybe because he reminds
me of maanu and kichu and all my other cousins' kids. Kids are simply the best stress-busters in the whole wide world. You almost forget all of your constant painful worries and attain this peaceful, serene, calm( Ok I know they're all synonyms- but Iam just trying to drive my point across) state of mind. So after a nice day at their place and a visit to the farmer's market, ( The flowers there are just so beautiful- I actually bought half a dozen roses and put them over in our bedroom - They just make you feel so fresh and vibrant- Man do they make a difference !) I got back home all happy and tired.

August 20th - MY FIRST JUMP - OFF A PLANE. YUP - My first successful attempt at sky-diving. Place: Baldwin,WisconsinAltitude: 13,000 feetSpeed: 120 mphFeat: Simply- jump off a plane and into nowhere in particular.Experience: It certainly was'nt as scary as I thought it would be. Iam not underplaying it here. I mean this- It was'nt a big deal- It's as simple as jumping off a ladder or wall or swing - Just that there's a little bit of travelling that you need to be doing before you hit solid ground. ( Plus it's a whole lot riskier and expensive)I guess its the thrill that you experience from the anticipation before the actual jump and while you're on the
plane that's worth the experience. The moment before I took off (?!?), my only thought was - er- Nothing. I was, infact, blank. I was so filled with a zillion emotions - i could'nt decide what I wanted to feel. I think I liked that confusion. ( I think iam under the tremendous influence of Douglas Adam's tone in the hitchhiker's series. Well- lets not get into that just yet- Will devote an entire blog to that sometime in the near future).



Right- so, I was saying- yes- the confusion was good. And then I just fell, and kept falling. I wanted to scream - I was excited. I could'nt though - because I was looking down at that moment( and from then on) and I was flabbergasted at what I saw beneath me. "Oh My God" was all that i was muttering to myself. The view from up there is simply stunning- to say the least. It's amazing how insignificant you feel compared to what you see down there. Kind of weird- but I was getting all philosophical during the entire one minute or so of my free-fall. And then the 3-4 minutes of the "parachuting" happened- had a lot of fun there with all the swaying by my instructor, Ms. Scooter ( Hey I jumped off a plane with a Scooter ! - BTW I've actually seen people do that on Xtreme-Sports)So there- after a nice little jump and lots of posing ( felt like proud NASA astronauts after a successful landing of the APOLLO series) and a First Jump Certificate, we rode back home. But this friend of ours Rahul, took us to this amazing place to eat - Al's Breakfast Place- never knew it existed in Dinky town. It's this small place - not a very jazzy looking commercial eat-out place. But the food and the service was excellent. After a "West Bank"( dont blink- its the name of an omellete that is topped with sour cream and strawberries !) ,a plate of hash browns washed down with a glass of fresh orange juice - I called it a day. I had had enough excitement to last for a week.

August 26th:Planning to go for the varalaskhmi poojai over at my relative's place and the janmaashtami celebs @ the Hindu Mandir.Got the Minnesota state fair planned up for tomorrow and a Movie Marathon for sunday.

Other important events :
Arzoooooooooon's back - Pattani has made it full time @ MS. PROUD OF YOU DA !

Work's going good. Got a lot done this week. With just 5 working days left, Iam done with most of the design documentation. Have a couple of sections left though. Should be a smooth finish.

IAM GOING HOME ON DECEMBER 27TH .PERIOD. Iam not going to bother myself or the others explaining how excited Iam at the prospects of meeting appa, amma, periamma,periappa,maanu, paati, cousins, FRIENDS- no iam not going to write down all their names- there're just way too many of them. Cant wait to fall asleep on appa and amma's lap. Cant wait to taste amma's vatha kozhambu and kallaka pooshnikai koottu. Cant wait to give periamma a nice big hug. Cant wait to cuddle maanu and kichu. Cant wait to share every bit of trivial new with the SRM gang. Sigh - 123 days for all that to happen.

Its also that time of the year when the new students arrive for the upcoming academic year. A lot more desis this time. Nice...Since 708 seems to be the hub of a lot of activities, there's a lot of hustle and bustle about thenew crop. Kind of sends me down memory lane - which brings me back to my first post about my thoughts and experiences over the last year. Will post that sometime soon..Later during the day maybe..

The blog that cannot be named

WHATEVER !!!

A rarity these days

Iam happy. I dont know why. But Iam feeling very happy with myself and everybody around me after a REALLY LONG TIME. Maybe Iam just too bored being cynical. Maybe sometimes it is'nt worth doing all the "analyzing about life" crap. The weekend is nearing. Looking forward to the "Valley Fair". Iam definitely a "Rides- person". Should do Cedar point sometime. Sky-diving should be fun too. Why am I digressing from whatever I wanted to say ? Never mind - Iam too busy being happy..Good night...

Quotable quotes

Here are a few of Martin Luther King's quotes that I came across. The following are my favorites...

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people."

And then a couple of other neat ones...

"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it." - Swedish Proverb

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss' Quotes

What an insane world...

Lorrie - Always smiling, enthusiastic, never forgot to give me this nice big cheerful "How're you doing today, girl? " . She was this sweet thing from work.

Aug 1st,2005 - Late Evening - Murdered by her husband. Iam just too shocked for words.

Wonder what this world has come to ? I cant imagine why anyone would want to kill anybody ! It's like the most senseless thing to do.

And again - to think life ends just like that. Who knows whose not going to be around tomorrow ? Is it worth carrying all of those negative emotions of hatred, jealousy, anger, frustration, ill-will et al. I guess not...

From the Bhagavad-Gita

Read this quote on a friend's webpage...

"Whatever happened, it happened for good. What is happening, is also happening for good. Whatever will happen, that too will be for good. What have you lost for which you weep? What did you bring with you, which you have lost? What did you produce, which has perished? You did not bring anything when you were born. Whatever you have, you have received from Him. Whatever you will give, you will give to Him. You came empty handed and you will go the same way. Whatever is yours today, it was somebody else's yesterday, And it will be somebody else's tomorrow. The change is the law of universe." - Bhagavad-Gita

My wallpaper...

Thats my wallpaper on my laptop now. I really am not going to describe why/how/what I feel when I look at that picture. It speaks a zillion words. Does'nt it?

Random thoughts...

"All I wanted for him was to save the world," lamented The Commander from Sky High. Somehow I cant get over that statement. Reminded me of appa. "All I wanted for her was to get into IIT".. "All I wanted for her was to get a good job".."All I wanted for her was to do her Post Graduation" ... "All I wanted for her was to do an MBA" ! Its amazing how parents all over the world always want (nice) things to happen for their children.

"True Friends understand" - another powerful statement. I wonder what I would do if I lost these precious souls. I would crumble. Iam...

Sometimes you're so wrapped up in your own little messy world that you lose track of the bigger picture.

Sometimes I wish I had the power to go back and erase certain portions of my life.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I wanted in life.

Have you ever felt like disappearing into thin air when you're disgusted with yourself ?

WHATEVER !!!

Purpose of Nothing

Purpose of Nothing

© By Randi Perez Helm


Purpose in the Nothing
Days on end repeat themselves
Morning noon and night
It's nothing to get a cup of milk or
To leave on the hall light

Stacks and stacks of building blocks
Strewn about the floor
It's nothing still to pick them up
Like so many times before

And then there is the soothing touch
Or word that brings new light
To a hurting, anxious, growing child
Who simply does not like the night

Cooking, shopping, bills to pay
Folding clothes forever it seems
The rain and snow keeps seasoning by
But dormant lie my dreams

Pointless, dull, routine, the same
My soul withers to empty
Only a tiny, hoping flicker remains
In the tomb my heart surrenders

A voice in the dark rings true and bold
'You have no need to wonder.
Don't you know you carried my name
Each time you fed the hunger?

And when the pain of an injured hand
Filled their eyes with tears
You touched the wounds with healing balm
You brought heaven near

Tasks that had to be done
Routine is your daily fight
It has become a root system of dependency
From which seedlings can take flight

It's all in the thought of things
And know that it is 'something'
You are my vessel of bonds unconditional
When you find purpose in the nothing'

Realization...

It's amazing how your opinion about people change with time. It hasnt happened with me often. I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people and their intentions. But the few times that I have miserably failed, the experience has been painful. I believe I had(ve) a serious mental weakness - wanting to please everybody around me and wanting to be "the perfect daughter", "the perect sister", "the perfect friend to every soul", "the perfect partner in life","the perfect student", "the perfect employee".... ! What was I thinking ? Two decades and a few bitter pills later I realize its stupidity! How on earth can I cater to the whims and fancies of every person who is in some way associated with my existance on planet Earth ? I most certainly donot approve of everybody else's actions- but can learn to live with a certain degree of tolerance. Wonder if it's too much to ask for from the other end...

REC center et al...

Been 2 years since i stretched a muscle ! Felt GOOD. Felt the adrenalin pumping. 6 months - Big target ! Some challenge ! God be with me !

So happy !!

My "journey" back home from 7000 Central can get really dreary ! Today was interesting though. Around 5.15 pm - somewhere on Central , trying not to doze off and miss my stop. I try to entertain myself by observing every mortal I pass by. As the bus stopped at the traffic signal, I noticed this guy in the car next to us holding his partner's hands. They seemed so blissful holding their hands - completely oblivious to the rest of the world. Sitting snuggly , feeling the warmth of the loved one, holding hands, exchanging sweet nothings - all packed into a long romantic drive ! Sigh !

"Good for you guys! ", I thought , as the car moved up front. Sitting next to the guy was another man...

DC - Here I come

A very close friend of mine once defined Love to be a "mental addiction". What a perfect statement, I thought. More recently, however, I've realized that so are many other kinds of relationships. It's weird that I miss someone so much, knowing very well that it's going to be less than a week when we're going to be back together. It's weird that I feel heavy at heart at the very thought of leaving Minneapolis and my people, even though Iam completely aware of the fact that a fantabulous weekend awaits me.WEIRD.

Talking about the futility of life

Just read aanu's blog on the 'Futility of Life" ! Been pondering over it for quite sometime now. The more I think about it, the more futile it seems. Sometimes, I wonder why I do the things that I do. Not that I attain any sort of enlightenment at the end of my never-ending thought process. Sometimes Iam amazed at how a zillion thoughts pass my mind in less than a nanosecond. What a waste of time and energy ! I wish I exhibited such high energy levels @ work. I've realized that the dissipation of mental energy can be quite exhausting. How much can the poor mind think ? In less than 7 days, it had to pass through terrible emotions of the fear of loss, of fear of seperation, of fear of not being able to keeping up expectations, of fear of hurting someone, of fear of the unknown... And then suddenly- Nothing matters . Questions like - Who am I doing all this for ? Dear ones? The ones that really matter to me. Where are they ? Do they even realize that they're dear to me ? Will I ever get an oppurtunity to let them know that they are the reason that Iam doing what Iam doing now ? Only time shall tell...

Nice and Crisp !

She's brilliant - Take some time out to read her posts...
http://jikku.blogspot.com/

An ode to my minneapolis family..

I've finally lost the post of being officially "vetti" . Two days into Medtronic and I already feel sleepy by 9.00 pm. The orientation reminded me of good ol' days @ Cognizant. I should say we indians are as sophisticated and suave and professional about everything from welcoming new employees to organizing the entire programme. I felt as comfortable as I did back home- which was pretty surprising, considering the fact that I was probably the only desi-TAMBRAM around. After 8 hours of information-overload, I was yearning to get back home and flaunt all those "kutti" gifts- the Medtronic T-shirt, the bag , the ID card.. It's amazing how comfortable I feel taking all these not-so-silly liberties with my friends here. It's amazing how nice it feels seeing them all sitting together and welcoming me with warm hugs and genuine interest. It's beyond doubt that appa/amma's affection is unsurpassable - but i couldnt ask for more - sitting 1000s of miles away. It feels wonderful when harish and anand slap me when I repeatedly fail to have my Iron tablets. However, irritating it might be at that point of time, it feels good when Niru corrects me and knocks some sense into my head when I lose it. Its absolutely wonderful when Abhi lightens things up when Iam down and cooks awesome food even if its at 11 pm !! Its amazing how neels puts up with me all the time and never retaliates. It feels weird without arzoooon and his non-stop teasing - and man ! Do I really wish today were the 21st of august !
Lastly, ( but most certainly not the least) it feels great to receive a good night hug and special kissies from your roommate every night :) . Iam running out of compliments here. But the truth is - I have actually stopped missing family- thanks to a bunch of caring souls. I've thanked HIM on numerous occasions for the fantabulous friends that I've always been bestowed with in life. I always wish I could have shank,senthil,raz,cheeru,rt,japes and the rest of the loosu pattanis around and I cant wait to get back and meet them in December. Nevertheless, my home right now is minneapolis and this is my family...

CRIB LIST- in decreasing order

Second attempt at Arden Hills - Failure. Period. ( I either need more luck or more awareness or perhaps both ! )
Got to work on ANGER MANAGEMENT.
Wish I could do something about my mood swings.
I have to work on being more firm in life and stop being a sucker!!!
I've been wanting to make "kadlakai pooshnikai koottu" for eons. Hasnt happened.

I have also been wanting to write nice things on orkut. Like the white water rafting experience, the trekking, the canoeing, the shopping...
Funny how one small failure can mess it up all for you.

Here I go- Finally !

Orkutting and Blogging - Two things I found weird when I landed here. I thought they were activities that only the creme de la creme of the Indian academia, those with the gift of producing brilliant pieces of oeuvre and the socially "active" souls engaged in. Minneapolis and its people have been responsible for changing my perspective towards life, the universe and everything over the last nine months. I fell for orkut just a few months after landing here- Why wouldnt anyone ? More than anything else, I believe it gives people immense pleasure and security to know that they're associated with so many people. Anyways- quite a few of my friends here have been pretty persistent in their efforts to get me started on penning down my thoughts. I have been contemplating about it for quite sometime. I have always thought that such public display of emotions and opinions lead to more bad than good. However, over the last two weeks, I started thinking otherwise ( more so because I didnot have anything better to do with time ). So here I go... I fail to understand why I always find the neccesity to justify everything I say and do- nevertheless now that I have, let me continue rambling.

I've been thoroughly enjoying myself over the last two weeks- good food, good movies, good sleep and loads of fun. Its been peaceful after a not so stressful semester and Iam hoping the next two will be similar. It's also given me loads of time to look back on the one year or so.

March 2004: I thought Masters was a bad idea. I was in a secure environment pampered by appa and amma, I had a wonderful job, I had the comfort of being around with the world's best friends. And then there was the dream- the IIMs. Flying away from all this seemed like the worst proposition ever.

April 2004: Masters seemed like not so bad an option. Good job options. Btech - I.T from Madras University wasnt probably going to help me much.

May 2004 : Admit from U of M, Twin Cities. Wonderful school. Preparing for CAT with a job that would get really hectic as time passed by seemed like a bad idea. MS in CE. Good future. I could always do my management studies later. Should I ? Shouldnt I ? Appa, amma, friends...? Masters, US of A, Buying more time to know what I really want in life ??! sigh...

June 21st, 2004 : For all the hype that was created, I was hardly troubled at the consulate. It was as if the Almighty wanted me to get out of Singare Chennai for a couple of years. HE too probably concurred that it would do a world of good for the world at large. After all, it was important for me to know what I really wanted in life. I need to be on my own for sometime. I need to get things right. The most sensible thing to do was obviously to go live in a strange land full of strange people and get a life !

July, 2004 : Wrapping up work, still convincing myself that Iam doing the right thing.

August 1st, 2004: 11 days to go. Big time shopping, Blew all the money I'd saved over the last 9 months. Met a zillion people, last time calls, hugs and promises. Fear,hope,relief,insecurity- I've never been through such complex and mixed emotions.

August 11th- D-day - reserved for the next post... Until then, adios.