"Nothing different at all. Just an extra piece of jewellery around my neck.", I say.
"Oh- you still wear your thali?" she asks.
"hmm...ya, Why not?", I think.
The thali, a.k.a mangalsutra is a symbol of married Indian women - a chain worn around the neck. I have always wondered why the maamis go ballistic over the yellow thread. Now that I am married, I am even more curious. Most of my married girl friends do not wear it for one or more of the following reasons:
- Top most reason - Fashion - It doesn't go well with the halter necks and the tube tops! They also compare wearing one to fashion disasters that include wearing T-shirt and Jeans along with Big Bindis, Plaited Hair and Malligai Poo (Jasmine Flowers)
- Long, heavy and plain inconvenient - Especially while sleeping. It coils around the neck, ears and forehead.
- "I dont have to wear the thali to display reverence to my husband".
- "I dont have to wear it to prove my affinity towards Tamil culture".
....and so on.
I know for a fact that most of the "modern day women" wear it on occasions - when a maami invites them over for Varalakshmi nombu or Golu, or when they head to a temple or attend weddings. Other than that, it lies coiled in jewel boxes. So why the hypocrisy?
What is the true significance of the thali? It is absurd to assume that the thali protects the husband. It is after all a piece of precious metal. Why do tamil movies thrive on the thali sentiment? Is it really that important to women?
It is possible, that in the past it was tied by the man to symbolize his "ownership" over the lady. To symbolize that he is her protector and that he is committed to take care of her. It probably was also meant to be a sign for other men to stay away from her and let them know that she's taken. But times have changed and none of these assumptions make much sense anymore. So why do women still attribute so much significance to it?
For the records, I do wear mine. I have two of them actually. The more traditional 22 carat gold kodi with the gundu manis and the thulasi maadams. And then the more sleek gold chain with a single tiny thulasi maadam on it. It hardly looks like one, but my in-laws thoughtfully presented it to me, so that I could wear it everyday without having to forgo fashion or comfort! And so I wear it because it honestly doesn't bother me. More so because it keeps the parents happy. I used to switch between the bigger and smaller one depending on whether I headed out to the gym or a fancy dine out place. And then I found the whole process ridiculous and cumbersome. So now I just wear the simpler of the two and I hardly notice it anymore.
I do respect Tamil culture, but not necessarily subscribe to all of its jing-bangs. So for instance, I do not wear a bindi when I wear jeans or any western outfit, because I think it doesn't really go well with it. But I do for sure if I am clad in any Indian attire. My mom's voice usually reaches high frequencies when I am back home in Chennai and it is 6 pm and "velakku ethare neram" and I prance around sans the "Pottu". It usually raises a "Enna archu idu? Sayangalam velakethra neram, poi moonja alambindu nethikittukko" from her. But the same amma doesn't mind it much when she's in foreign land either.
So why are we really striving to stick on to these acts? Do they mean anything at all in today's world? Would you men mind it if your wife dint wear a bindi or her thali? Do these symbols really help her gaurd against other men? I wonder...
22 comments:
A post after my own heart :)
I hear you :)
:)Wearing the simpler one solves all the issues. I get high frequency shrieks from paati and mom if i dont keep pottu esp at 6PM:). but here i hardly keep and they dont mind. I think its all in the mind!:P
U bet gayathri ..and oh - dont forget the "kaiya paaru - kaaliya irukku..at least rendu valayal pottuko ma"!
hali means a plate, more commonly called a Gujarati Tahli or a rajasthani thali, where you get all delicacies and good food. the concept is eat till your burst.
Sridhar N
ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL @ MAAMA!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Because you asked the question.
If I am in India (and married), I would do my best to persuade my wife to have a 'pottu' and the 'thali' though I am not able to place my finger on why exactly I want them. We do quite a few things that have no rational explanation. Some things give you sense of belonging, make you feel that you are still attached to your roots. But as far as 'pottu' goes, I find it attractive :)
not even kidding.. After eating in the gujju place in Mumbai yesterday seriously when I clicked on that post of yours I thought you were goin' to talk about your pongal south indian thali extravaganza.. The post kinda looks like an anti campaign to 80's tamil movies :)
Archu -> I wear the simpler one too.. I think us modern girls these days have the thali well for personal and parental satisfaction. And I guess it also helps beacsue we are not (onnayum sethukaren) the variety that does wear tube tops n such... And well, right now its just a single chain and hardly bothers me and so I don't have to make the effort to rebel. i totally agree with the pottu theory too... Jeans oda pottu pogadhu... My parents are just like yours... complaining in India and not so much when I send pics from here! Guess all Tam brahm households are just cookie-cut. And if it makes everyone happy to wear a simple chain, why not.
PS: I am against the 18900 gram thing that is the "original" thali. It has scratched the hell out of me, not mention the tangles in my easy tagible curly hair!
@ Jaya: Exactly my thoughts jaya!
@ Srikanth - Interesting- most men I spoke to (including mine)would "like" to have their better halves wear the thali... So would you feel different if you were not in India?
@ Globe Trotter - Pongal extravaganza -- I wish ! I am only going to experiment with chakrai pongal for the thalai pongal! And well...this wasn't meant to be a campaign against tamil movies - or against the thali for that matter. Like I said, I wear mine with no complaints whatsoever. It's just that when I observe these other gals who do not, I begin to wonder what the deal is. Why the fuss? Or is this just one of those things we do because it has always been done. For instance, my paati wears the madisaar everyday, my mom would wear it only on occasions. I doubt how many times I'll wear it in life and if I have a daughter and if she is US bred, she'll probably never wear it! Would the thali disappear eventually? Just thinking aloud...
If I were not in India, I would not feel different but for the sake of being a roman in rome, I would probably have to forego 'pottu' with non-desi attire but not thali. Like you said, a simple non-obtrusive one would be good.
I can't comment on pottu, for the obvious reasons :0)
But for thali, I wouldn't mind if my wife wears it or not. It should be up to her. Removing would not divorce us.
As long as she doesn't loose it :o)
Regardless of being here or in India
Archu.....I related to every line from this blog.Like everyone else, I intended to get a miniature version of the thali and wanted one made with karugamani. But with a crazy and packed schedule I had no time to get one. So for the last year I have been wearing my original thali. like jay says,it does get caught in my hair and hurt me sometimes while I am asleep but for the most part it dosent bother me too much.However I must confess,that sometimes when I feel like the thali looks extremely awkward with my attire then its safety pins to the rescue :).
Hmm...so what's in a thali? Depends...is it a veg or nonveg thali? :D
Jokes apart, it honestly doesn't matter to me, India or abroad, if she is wearing a thali, pottu, ring etc etc. All I'd want is that she wears a big smile.
Aaawwwwwwwww...I know :p
Hey Archu,
It is nice topic for a Patti Mandram and you fit into it as a Naduvar. After hearing from people so many comments about Thali and Pottu etc.
But honestly the note written by you is very good
Archana, I am not at all for this system especially since I suffer daily with this cumbersome reminder in gold. I think the system will finally fade away if we forced the men to wear a similar symbol every day, 24 hours a day, especially when they sleep! Then we'll see what they have to say about 'culture'...ha ha!
ahhhh u missed out the Metti....or am i in the very few who still actually wears them (except with my high heel boots :D )
hai archu :)
that was a good one :) jus because a woman doesnt wear her thali that doesnt mean her husband is not safe! i sometimes find it wierd when my mom gives stupid explanations for all the iyer customs!
by the way am krithika's friend :)
Hello,
I agree with you on most of what you have metioned. You do need to remember not everyone is fortunate to have 2 different chains to switch between and hence complain if they have to wear the heavier/thicker one. If every girl was given a fancy looking thin chain you would not hear too many people complain...
hello...just visited your blog randomly..must say a good post.. But for me thali is very necessary. Even when i am in western outfit (def not tube tops & like), i still wear one.. FOr me, its a symbol of our union, the moment wherein we shared some really great emotional moments. Thali for me is a reminder of that & i preserver it big time. But, yes definitely dont believe in grandma stories of protecting hubby etc. I am proud to wear one & i dont understand why we gotta ape the west, when the west themselves wears a wedding ring..irrespective of the dress they wear!!
First of all the concept of Thali itself is not in Tamil culture. It ws intro only in 11th century. There is no indication/explanation about Thali in The great Sangam Lit. Later u knw it... diff castes diff thali. :)
ur blog is really awesome ..........this is exactly how i think .but unfortunately my inlaws dont want me to wear a small comfy one ......they consider it as their prestige :(ridiculous............
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