I was born into a Tamil Brahmin, Iyer family and most certainly, bred like one. But having spent most of my childhood in the Middle East and having grown up with kids from all over Asia belonging to multi cultural groups, I have had the opportunity to have been exposed to so many interesting cultures, religions, traditions and of course people. Agreed - no one’s perfect and each community comes with its own baggage. But that doesn’t necessarily make one better than the other. I believe in the equality of cultures, religions, castes and sub-castes!! Perhaps the reason why I find myself alienated at times.
I read a short story, a beautiful one - about a Brahmin girl who falls in love with a non- Brahmin, but ends up marrying someone from her own community because of parental pressure and “society”. The story triggered a flurry of thoughts and emotions – sadness at first, anger next, resignation eventually. The story was dated back to the 1960s, but according to me, nothing much has changed over the last half century. Inter-caste/religion/lingual marriages are still frowned upon. I fail to understand their reasoning…
I can’t speak for other religions or castes, but I can say with confidence that in this day and age, I personally know very few Tam Brams who do anything remotely TamBram!!! Now defining a “True Tam Bram” is an interesting task in itself, but considering what most people think we are, here’s what a Tam Bram ought to be doing…
On top of the list would be to religiously wear the “poonal” (the sacred white thread) and perform the “Gayathri Jabam” or “Sandhya Vandanam” everyday… Gayathri? Sandhya? It is not an uncommon sight that fresh poonals are hunted for just before Avani avittam in August or any other occasion where the men are forced to display their 6 packs.
I read a short story, a beautiful one - about a Brahmin girl who falls in love with a non- Brahmin, but ends up marrying someone from her own community because of parental pressure and “society”. The story triggered a flurry of thoughts and emotions – sadness at first, anger next, resignation eventually. The story was dated back to the 1960s, but according to me, nothing much has changed over the last half century. Inter-caste/religion/lingual marriages are still frowned upon. I fail to understand their reasoning…
I can’t speak for other religions or castes, but I can say with confidence that in this day and age, I personally know very few Tam Brams who do anything remotely TamBram!!! Now defining a “True Tam Bram” is an interesting task in itself, but considering what most people think we are, here’s what a Tam Bram ought to be doing…
On top of the list would be to religiously wear the “poonal” (the sacred white thread) and perform the “Gayathri Jabam” or “Sandhya Vandanam” everyday… Gayathri? Sandhya? It is not an uncommon sight that fresh poonals are hunted for just before Avani avittam in August or any other occasion where the men are forced to display their 6 packs.
Abstain from alcohol and tobacco… Are you kidding me? What’s life with out the Bud or the M’boros!
Vegetarianism – and this does exclude eggs, onion or garlic…Times have changed my friends- we no longer fall under the ’thayir saadam‘ category– we too love the Chicken 65s and the Mutton Briyanis!
Don’t cross the seas!! No comments!
Now, I am not going to be a hypocrite. Yes I eat eggs and garlic and onions! No – I don’t eat meat – not because I was asked not to, but because I chose not to. I don’t believe in sucking some other beings’ blood for food. Period. As for the “crossing of seas”, if that’s what it is, then I lost my status of being one when I was a little over 180 days old! Anyways, my point is, if the number of souls that follows these rules is dwindling, then what is so sinful about a Brahmin marrying someone who isn’t one? Why does he or she become an outcast, looked upon shamefully as the outlier, the one that shamed his or her parents, is a rebel and is estranged from family? So what I am hearing is “It is ok to marry a Brahmin who drinks, smokes and eats meat (but has unlimited access to the poonal), but a BIG NO NO to someone that doesn’t indulge in any of these “pleasures”, but happens to be born in to some other community. Sad.
I understand parents’ concerns. A marriage is often said to be a union of two families, not just the couple. When one marries within the community, it is easier for him or her to adapt to the new family because we assume that families that belong to the same community follow similar practices, speak the same language, eat similar food and have similar lifestyles. But is that all? In a world of nuclear families where comfort and convenience are of more significance than traditions that have been passed over several generations of conditioned minds, would it really matter if an Iyer marries a Chettiar, or a Naidu or a Bengali!? We all know of arranged weddings that have turned sour thanks to pitiable low levels of tolerance. We have also heard and seen successful inter-community marriages that have lasted a lifetime. To me, what is more important is that the couple be compatible, be respectful of each other’s differences and accommodative of each other’s families.
Honestly, I had so much more to say when I started off with this blog, but I am tired of trying to prove a point, of trying to convince those who refuse to break open the cocoon and relieve themselves of their assumed pain. I guess I just don’t care that much anymore…
16 comments:
Nice post Archu.I remember tht story..was it some fwd? Abt a girl writing them as letters to her dad abt not letting her marry the other community guy?:)
Ade ade Sabapathey!
heiiiii this is our family line!!! Awesome tht u picked it up :D
In the grand scheme of things I think not much has changed but there are tiny examples here n there where I've seen the TamBrahms defy the odds and marry someone from a different caste/state/religion. It's slow but I am hoping that the little droplets make the up the ocean. But I guess soo many other families haven't given up their antediluvian ways yet. And God knows when that's gonna change. Good post n very true!
Well said.
An interesting thing is differences like this are also seen everywhere in the world. For instance, in the US, you can notice a similar type of opposition between families that are catholic-protestant, or english-spanish, or english-south american...
I suppose people everywhere do stuff as the situation demands but given a chance would like to cling to their culture as it is their identity.
My uncle and Aunt have crossed the seas and still have successful marriages.Touch wood!!
Thx Jaya! It is just their resistance to change that puts me off I guess...move with the times..what say?
Thats true lakshmi...The differences are there all over.
Lol at ade adhe sabapathey.
Tam brahms vazhga :P
I am very glad to see someone having similar thoughts on fostering inter-caste and inter-religion marriages. Practices are unique to each community and these practices expose the wealth of the culture. That being said, I guess people should explore other cultures and learn from them. I was born to a meat eating family and till my 2nd year in college I was a pure meat eater. Over the next few years, I was exposed to several Brahmin families and I slowly reduced my meat intake and today I am proud to say that I am a vegan who eats egg :). I have nothing against meat eaters and I am sure Archana agrees on this from her end. I have also learnt a lot about the Hindu and Brahmin culture and have been to sacred places to learn more on the religious practices. Its just a choice that one chooses in life. Its these choices that one makes in life that makes him or her the person he or she is - for the better or for the worse. Though intercultural marriages are frowned upon, our generation must take initiatives in teaching the present and future generations about other religions, cultures and regional practices. Knowing is half the battle, accepting, practicing and preaching will come as we ride along. I wish some day a person is defined by the qualities he or she posses and not by caste, creed, race, religion and sex. All it takes is courage to step up and express what you believe in. Your message will soon become contagious as like any other good act and you will find a giant army following you in no time.
We should start a message to support this and spread the love around the rest of the world. Archana, thanks for sharing these thoughts, as this helps anyone to articulate their views.
- Mohi
Well said Mohi! [:)] I hear ya!
I agree that perceptions regarding inter-caste marriages have not evolved much. At the same time I see a lot more inter-caste marriages today than say a decade back. So slowly but surely things are progressing. One thing I want to assert is that we(our generation) do have a role to play in changing the perceptions, in not subjecting the next generation to older outdated beliefs and in contributing to changing the society. And I am optimistic that my grandchildren would care a lot lesser about caste system than I do.
Good one. I also feel for the people who's significant others are meat eaters but they aren't. Its hard to adjust when meat is cooked at home.
And as it relates to inter religion and inter caste marriage. People are slowly opening up and accepting it. Which is good news :)
Archana, these things are good to read in blogs. But in real time, its really really tough. A brahmin girl who marries a meat eater, cannot accustome with the language, food habits...etc of the meat eating family. Same, a brahmin guy who marries a meat eating girl, will have the same issues in language, he cannot eat the food which she cooks....etc... The couples would not be aware of these things before marriage because of love.... But after marriage, it is very difficult to give up ur language, culture etc....
But anyways, your blog was really good. Nice efforts.
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