Spectrophobia

It was past 1 AM yesterday. I was feeling extremely uneasy. Work has kept me very busy this past month. I've been trying to be meticulous about getting my tasks done on time to save myself from pushing the panic button at the very end. But with all the other usual chores, its been physically draining. I think I managed not to burn out- but I've been tired. I think I reached the zenith this week and had to listen to my body. I decided to give it some rest and worked from home yesterday. Anyway, going back to 1 AM yesterday. I was twisting and turning , feeling warm one second and cold the next. Hardly comfortable. I was trying hard to get in to slumber, but the more I tried, the harder it got.

Pretty soon, my mind started playing games. I have the ability to let thoughts follow one another and form a massive chain that eventually leads to just one thing - imagining the presence of paranormal beings! As such, it takes only a door creak or a faint tap or a dog howling a mile away to get me up and alert. So then, when I am actually imagining something this absurd, I am absolutely queasy and pray hard for my mother to magically appear out of nowhere so that I can hug her and feel like nothing in the world can get anywhere close to me.

And then it started. I felt cold. I turned to my side instead of laying flat facing the ceiling. I wrapped myself with the comfortor, but dint want to shut my face. What if "it" suffocates me? And then I knew my face was out there in the open. "It" could see me. I felt a slight tingling sensation across my face. I freaked out. Oh! Cmon Arch! Its your damn hair blowing across your face because of the silly fan. Or maybe not?! If only I could go and reach out to Baba's picture from the poojai table - But that's 5 feet away!! What if it attacks me while I am walking to get swami's picture? Or even worse, what if "it" is right there in front of my eyes when I open them. NO! I am just going to keep them shut and say my prayers. "Swami...please nalla budhi kuduppa!!" It wasn't helping. I made a swift turn to my other side and grabbed the cell phone beneath the comfortor and covered myself. I frantically dialled the Minneapolis number only to reach his voicemail. I called my room mate and I could hear the phone go off in the hall! I gave up.

As I began to get tired and slowly got in to a subconscious state of mind, I jolted and woke myself up. I freaked out. DAMN! Thats it! I dont care - I am going to switch on the light come what may. I quickly switched on my reading lamp and did a quick survey of the room. Nothing abnormal. No movements. Even poor Nemo was lying on the far left corner of the bed - where I'd kicked him off to about a couple of hours before all this began. I decided I needed some company that night. I wasn't going to make it through and I was going to really have to beat some deadlines at work the next day. Plus I badly wanted to get some sleep. I walked gingerly towards the next room and woke up a rather confused soul. As humiliated as I felt, I dint care. "I had bad dreams - can you please sleep in my room tonight?"

I am often ridiculued at by guys - the likes of my brother, who seem to gain some kind of vicarious pleasure in scaring the heck out of me. And really, I dont pretend to be scared just to look cute. People who know me well enough, know that I rarely want to be perceived as a delicate darling. But when it comes to the paranormal, I really do get scared. So please be considerate. I dont know why it scares me. Its not like I've ever seen an apparition (and I dont want to either). I've just heard and read a lot of stories when I was young and I've seen a lot of movies too. But that's about it. I believe in the good - so I assume there must be evil out there. I dont know why I assume all spirits are evil. I mean, after all, they were all once humans like you and me. Even if they existed, why would they want to hurt anybody? They are just beings in their own world. Sometimes I think its just all these movies and the books that paint such an evil picture of the spirits. Its always about the unhappy soul that haunts the living. Why would you want to haunt somebody if he or she has done no harm to you?

I think its just the fear of the unknown. It is the fear of not knowing whats going to jump on to you from the darkness. Also possibly the fear of what they ultimately represent - Death. Normally, I think I am pretty logical about things. I dont believe in what I've not seen. You may ask - What about God then? It is good faith and a good feeing - I've experienced goodness and so I believe that must be the Good force. Some people call it God, some others good luck. Whatever it is that it is, I hope I can get myself to think rationally when I start creating my own little Ramsey drama in my brain! Or maybe, I should just stick to comedy!