A gift for you on your 'First Month' Birthday...

My dearest Chikloos,
It was exactly a month ago that I woke up to yet another 'exciting' work day. I had my weekly appointment with the doc later that afternoon to make sure that you were still nice and cozy in my tummy. In an unexpected turn of events, it turned out that even my placenta had become all tired by week 38 and they figured that you'd do better if we got you out. They said that you were ready for this world. For those few minutes after the doc broke the news, I suddenly wasn't.

As she gave Appa and myself a few minutes to ourselves while stepping out to call the hospital and inform them of our arrival later that evening, drops rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably. 'What the heck! I have a meeting to attend at 4', I told Appa. 'Loosu' he said and smiled - 'we are going to have a baby by tomorrow!'....

I get very frequently ridiculed at by family and very close friends for being a control freak and for my incessant necessity to plan. Little did I know that even my labor was going to be chalked out meticulously. So we went home, packed our hospital bags and checked off all the items on the already prepared checklists. I even had time for a long shower and a leisurely early dinner. I had a million thoughts running through my head - it was hardly about the next 24 hours. It was about life after we brought you home. It was mostly a self evaluation to determine if I'd make a ‘good’ mom.

Once at the hospital, the waiting process began that night. Turns out you were ready to come out, but I wasn't. After several hours of wait, induced labor, they breaking my water, the three God-forbidden pokes into my spine, the contractions, you not liking pitocin, me losing my blood pressure and they finally deciding to cut me open to get you out safe – all seem like one big hazy dream.

I neither have ever dreaded surgery nor have I been nervous about enduring physical pain. But what scared me more at that point was that they got you out safe. You were “tiny”, the ultra sound scans said. Everyone said it wasn’t a big deal; that we could get the pounds added on to you once you were out. I was still nervous. I got a lot of advice from the elders and friends during pregnancy – to stay happy and calm; to listen to melodious music; to think happy thoughts and be as less stressful as possible. The reality was far from it. Pregnancy wasn’t really the way it’s generally romanticized in the movies and I was always nervous that you wouldn’t take it too well. But you were a strong boy – constantly reminding me of your presence all those 9 months and riding through the rough waters with me.

As I lay there on the operation bed, I knew I was all numb - chest below. But at 11:55 AM on the 13th of July, I heard your first cry and I choked. They lifted you over the “wall” and I had a glimpse of bloody you for a couple of seconds. I dint get enough of you, but they had to take you away. Appa went away with you as they cleaned you up. I was waiting patiently as I heard the docs continuing to operate on me to sew me back up. It took forever. They were talking about their weekend plans. I couldn’t have cared less. And then I saw you again – you were perfect! And then they took you away….again. Appa left with you.

Once I was back at the post labor/recovery room, I spent my first few moments with you - observing you from head to toe. You looked nothing like me :). You were all Appa. I was feeling great the day you were born. I was pretty impressed with myself for being up and active after a surgery. By the next morning, I realized it was simply the excitement of having finally seen you and all the pain meds. Once I was taken off of the epidural and the catheter and I was asked to sit up for the first time in 24 hrs, I realized I’d lost all of my core strength. I dint know sitting up could be so difficult.

Over the next few days, once I headed back home, I felt weaker and weaker. More than the physical pain, it was frustrating to not be able to do even the simple things by myself. It was as if you and I had to discover and learn together, the ability to move. I watched everyone around me bonding with you. I had no energy to play with you, to cuddle with you, to calm you down in the middle of the night. It was painful. I watched the days and nights pass by – struggling to feed you. I felt like a vending machine for several days devoid of emotion sometimes. I was exhausted. Emotions were at their peak at other times; water works galore.

Today you are a month old and I feel that we’ve come so far along already. You have taught me a virtue that no one else has thus far succeeded in instilling in me – PATIENCE! There are still days when I feel like pulling my hair and screaming out loud when you wail away to glory at exclusively chosen times of the night. I know I have uttered many a “ennada Advaith!!!” in frustration, only to weep myself to sleep that I raised my voice against a few weeks old tiny tot whose only mode of communication is crying. And then there are nights when you are so chamathu and go off to sleep right away after a feed. But it still scares me that you are unusually quiet and I keep coming over to check on you to make sure you are doing OK.

You should also know that you are very lucky to have such a doting family. Appa adores you – I have never seen him this possessive about anyone in life before. Ammamma and thatha love you to bits and they are a constant reminder that family is always there to support us no matter what. Bombay paati and thatha cannot get enough of you and cannot wait to jump on to the plane to come spoil you.

Just like how you dint come with a user manual, nothing in life so far has ever prepped me for this new job. But I promise I’ll get better. I’ll learn with you. I take great pride in the little nothings that you do already. I so look forward to interacting with you as you grow up. I am excited to show you the world that is out there – to support you through the tough times, to share your love and excitement for whatever it is that you choose to be passionate about. Just give Amma a little time to get back to her normal physical self – am sure she will be a better person :). Happy ‘First Month’ Birthday sweety!

Love,
Amma